My oldest nephew's birthday is on the 18th. I remember how
excited my brothers both were the day he was born. His dad was my
older brother and he was so proud of his new son, and my little brother
was excited to be and uncle he was only 6 at the time. This year it is
so hard to gather any joy at this time of Aug. You see 3 years ago we
buried his dad on the 17th of Aug one day before my nephew's
birthday. Now I fear we may be heading down that sorrowful road again
as my other nephew my brother's youngest son is not at all well. His
cancer returned a few months ago and the out look is not good. I do
not want to lose anyone else I love so soon after losing my brother his
wife and my fav cousin all in a 3 month period of time just 3 years ago,
but I am a realist. Even my nephew has stated to his sister-in-law
that he knows he will not live to be old. At this point in time I am
hoping for 3 things. I hope my nephew lives past his brothers
birthday. I am hoping he will live past Christmas if possible, and I
am hoping I will be able to hold my emotions together if and when the
time comes. I did not do well with his moms death because it was so
sudden and unexpected.
My nephew that is ill was
always a joy to be around when he was younger his smile brightened up a
room, and now my sister-in-law tells me that he is really not looking
well. I really should try to find a way to go see him while i can, but
I am not sure how much good it would do to have me there and me fall
apart in front of him. I am sure it is hard for him to keep his
spirits up as ill as he is without me breaking down in an emotional
scene at his bed side.
My emotions are such a mess
and I am having trouble keeping myself mentally stable. One minute am
worried about my oldest nephew and what he will do with the whole family
he was born into gone sooner then any of us would have wished. Other
times I sit down and cry at the memory of those we have lost. Then
sometimes I worry about my own health and how long I have left on this
planet. I also worry about what will happen to me if I lose all those I
love over time. I worry about my older nephew and how he will adjust
if we lose his only brother. Yes he has his wife and 3 children but
that is not the same as the family you were born into. You love them
all but it is a different type of love. I get angry at now unfair it
is for my brothers family to be hit so hard so fast. We all know life
is not guaranteed not the type you will have or the how long it will
be. We all know we are not going to live forever, but it seems so
unfair for one family to have so much hardship in such a short time.
There are days I wonder if my mind will ever calm down and be able to
relax.
